February 25, 2009

Maine says, "Thanks a latte!"

I moved to NYC with the distinct impression that any and everything I could ever desire would be within a three foot radius at all times. A 24-hour sushi place? We have them in spades. Harry Potter’s peen? Up until Feb. 8, one had FIVE opportunities a week to see that. It’s really hard (hehe) to think about living anywhere else when you consider all that, right?

Think again. A topless coffee shop just opened in Maine. Now, I know we have premier gentlemen’s clubs in this city. If you crave some strange areolas, this is the place to find it. I’m pretty sure we came thisclose to putting “City of Strange Areolas” on our license plates. That’s a cumbersome saying, so “The Empire State” won out in the end. Still, people know what we stand for. That’s all that matters.

That being said, isn’t it a little embarrassing that Maine, home of nary more than delicious crab cakes and Caucasians galore, thought to open a topless coffee shop? It’s undeniably brilliant. It’s unconventional, entertaining, and helps one justify throwing down for a latte in this shaky economy. That’s the trifecta for a good business plan.

I expected more from you, NYC.

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February 17, 2009
Let it be known that someone on CNN said "yicky"

Since when is “yicky” a part of journalistic vernacular? See below:

Whether it’s new and cool or merely yicky, observers say there’s no question that more and more doctors — and patients — will be sharing the blow-by-blow of medical procedures on sites like Twitter and Facebook.

On fn CNN. WEIRD.

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February 12, 2009
Can a Jew wear cross earrings?

Or is that a conflict of interest? I feel like some people might misinterpret my obvious desire to wear something both hoopy AND droppy as nothing more than an appreciation of blatant costume jewelry. I could really see this going south, and fast. And, by “south,” I mean I can imagine running into a member of our temple community randomly in Manhattan, and next thing you know I get a phone call from my mom in FL asking if it’s true that I’ve accepted Jesus Christ as my lord and savior.

I guess it’s best to avoid THAT uncomfortable convo.

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If this doesn’t make you cry continuously for at LEAST 3 hours, then you have no soul.

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February 11, 2009
“ Today, this guy took me to Denny’s on a first date and used a 2 for 1 coupon. It was expired. I paid. FML
via http://www.fmylife.com/
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Blech.

Last night I had a fn FEAST for dinner at Spice Cove (review to come later on my new blog), so today I was all “OK, you had your fun. Now nothing but water and laxatives until prom.” That’s reasonable, right? I think so. I want to lose three pounds. If that Amber bitch shows up in the same dress as I do (again) AND looks skinnier than me? I’ll go batshit crazy. I am just ONE stomach flu away from my goal weight.

Confession, I may have just made like 12 teen movie references in a row. I’m not actually going to prom (unless someone asks me? There’s still time and I bet I could dig up something for the occasion), and I think recreational laxative users are icky, to put it mildly.

Anyways, this morning I planned to be in detox, but there was a Stern show cupcake waiting for me, and it was RED VELVET. To turn my nose up at cream cheese frosting is BLASPHEMY, so I ate it.

I wasn’t feeling too fantastic after that choice, but then I came across something that put it all in perspective. This site pretty much sums up the need for quadruple bypasses and whatnot. I enjoy my sweets, but who the eff needs to ingest a deep-fried peanut butter covered brownie wrapped in cookie dough? WHO, I ask you?! And, if I wasn’t a vegetarian before, I’m pretty sure the french fry-encased hot dog on a stick killed any urge I’ve EVER had for gnawing on animal bodies. Anyways, browse at your own risk.

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February 5, 2009
New Google feature a little creepy

Yesterday, Google announced “Google Latitude,” a new feature that allows your friends to track you down like the wild animal you are. Rawr.

I don’t mean to be selfish with my whereabouts, but isn’t this a little invasive? Do your friends really need proof that you ditched them in favor of leftovers and “The Biggest Loser?” Should they really be able to pinpoint your “lady doctor” office? MUST they know your potty schedule? I crave a little potty mystery, myself. Call me old fashioned. I also still wear a petticoat, DAILY. What of it?!

Luckily, my “vintage” flip phone doesn’t support Google Maps, so I’m not even eligible to participate in this program that (let’s face it) is just one step closer to computer chips in brains. Sorry, friends. My potty schedule will not be public knowledge any time in the foreseeable future.

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February 4, 2009

The economy's to blame. AGAIN.

I’m probably the exact opposite of a closeted spelling/grammar snob. Meaning I’m out and proud. Bring on the assless chaps; I’m down.

Unrelated aside: My sister was a women’s studies minor in college, and she made me walk up to this information booth with her during pride week. The girls running the booth pegged us as breeders (correct) and handed her a pamphlet that said “I think I may be straight.” Inside, there was a list of popular heteros, which included Bill Clinton. The whole thing was hilaaarious.

Anyways, one of my friends shared a text with me the other day in which a guy said, “The Steelers one the Super Bowl,” and I fucking LOST it. It really wasn’t pretty. I think I blackballed him to every boobie-owning member of the Southeast, and I’ve never even had the pleasure. Which I guess makes sense, because it’s not like anyone else will have HIS pleasure now. That’s right, I went there. He spelled “won” like “one!” No mercy.

This article made me realize I’m not alone. It’s not ME, it’s this damn economy’s fault. I’m stressed, ok? It gives me control in an unsure world. So correct I will. YOUR’E welcome.

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My second born

After several hours of painful labor, I had another baby blog. There’s, like, absolutely no content on it at this point, but it has a clever title! None of that “Baby Deenaneed” stuff for me, thank you. It’s a clean slate of which to express my undying adoration of gymming and foodstuffs. Stay tuned, though. My baby’s gonna be a STAR.

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February 2, 2009
Damn you, Phil
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